The Stages Of ME

22 Jun

Hello Friends ~ So sorry for my absence I had a visit to the club med ~ This lovely nick name is what we long timers call the hospital.  I must say it was a detour the final day of a quick family trip to Philly/Gettysburg that we did not plan to take.  There are those times in life when the large medical facility in my community feels a bit like a drive thru I would like to avoid.  I know, Blah Blah Blah… No worries this is not a pity post.  This is a WOW post ~Jesus thank you for the CROSS the pure example of suffering an amazing example. I heard recently, “If God allows you to go to the furnace of suffering trust that He is in control of the thermostat.”   I suppose the meaning of this or at least my interpretation is, if an evil force tries to make claim on my life, God my Father will push away any evil trying to turn that heat up to more than I can handle.   So back to my recent few nights in the ICU.  I am sharing this as a point of admission and surrender.  In the late night as I lay in a cubicle listening to the ticking of the clock and the alarm on the maximized by/pap.  I think that alarm is ME.  I feel the scurry of the diligent critical care staff as they move my somewhat but not completely flaccid body to and fro. I am in a complete state of NO CONTROL and yet keenly aware of a staff that knows my name and cares if I make it through this next hurdle on my stage.  They have played this scene with me before they are vested in my performance and know the names of my regular scene partners.  They try to keep me comfortable as my body fails me and at the same time their hands are tied as to the use of meds to ease my comfort.  It is not that they are wanting me to suffer or struggle.  It is that they know to ease my pain may very well suppress my breathing which is already very compromised. I am sadly a regular visitor to this fine establishment due to the neuromuscular disease described in my book.  I lay there hurting tears trickling.  I feel each needle stick and various other medical interventions to keep me alive until the treatment can be delivered the next day.  The goal = to not need to mechanically ventilate and breathe for me and possibly add to the already discovered infection caused by aspiration pneumonia.  Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, I close my eyes to shut out the sounds, the pain.  I pray Lord please make it STOP.  When no relief comes I begin to get the feeling something else is at work turning up my thermostat.  My fever bumps higher 101.5 not a high temp to most but most serious in an immunocompromised patient.  I begin to tire in the fight as day two is underway and even with the treatment administered the break in this wave seems at bay.  It is here where I feel as if there is an evil fighting against me.  This yin and yang of existence calls you home to God and yet pushes so hard against your will I feel the breath releasing with little energy to fight.  I have those very human feelings of brokenness.  I think again WOW Jesus suffered so beautifully.  I am such a wimp in this trail ashamed at my human response after His example on the CROSS.  He never leaves me, this is not our first rodeo.  He tests my endurance, I balk and then when I firmly believe I can’t take one more second of this reality ~ it happens.  He gives me rest.  His grace is sufficient.  Dear Lord forgive my biting words in fatigue and frustration which in mere exhaustion attempts to push away those I love.  Thank you for your grace to help us all to understand the stress of this earthly flesh.  Thank you for the opportunity to once again learn how You reveal Your plan to me in even my weakest moments. To think, what was the plan Lord?  Only to find yourself in the room with a beautiful older woman on your final day in club med.  She reveals, “I am dying they say two months its in my brain and there is nothing they can do.”  When you give me the words to help her find Joy in her circumstance as she will soon join her husband she misses terribly and her own mother who recently passed.  To be able to describe the picture of her heavenly Father awaiting her with a warmth she has never known.  To be greeted by those she loved and passed before her.  To assure her those left behind will be held up by Gods mighty hands.  To then here this slightly confused women repeat the description of the beauty of heaven over and over to daily visitors.  This is so impressive as her memory is slipping daily and yet she held this image all day long.  When for a brief moment I am comforted and then allowed to give some comfort so as to pay it forward.  I just finished watching the movie MARLEY AND ME with my son.  I am in awe of my God that he allows these moments in the storms.  I am blessed by patient family a friends. Thankful for hearing the laughter of a woman who will be going home to God very soon,  Thankful for the friend that took my first walk down a very long hallway one that seems to get a little longer with every hospital visit.  Thankful to get home before my daughter leaves for a lifetime trip in ministry to you Lord.  Thankful for a man who stays at my side and tries hard to understand why at times I push away those I love hoping they may not need me as much so this fight would be a little easier.  How ridiculous to think that method would ever work with those you love.  See Lord no matter what we do You never push us away.  I watched the beautiful end of the movie tonight as the rambunctious and loving and feisty dog Marley takes her last breath. Her owner looks into the sad and tired eyes and after all the mischief, all the trouble, all the mutual respect says,”It’s okay you were a good dog Marley.” I hope one day He looks into my eyes and still be able to say YOU WERE A GREAT DOG, Kathy and you were good and faithful servant ~ Thank you for another STAGE ~ I especially like the change of scene back Home ~ Many of you have had a stage such as this recently.  Though the scene and the characters were different the trial and the storm are quite real to your reality.  It is okay I promise hold on in the gail force winds, hold on in the raging sea and trust that His Grace is sufficient. CHECK OUT THESE TWO AMAZING SONGS hope they help in your wave PEACE  \”Blessings by Laura Story\” \”Redeemer by Sanctus Real\” I challenge all of us ~ Could we all just move God up a few steps in this negative culture we are allowing? Feel free to ask me about my book ~The Stages Of ME it here  or for more information on the book The stages Of Me see the following link to business page on FB



Posted by on June 22, 2011 in Uncategorized


2 responses to “The Stages Of ME

  1. tpekurny

    June 23, 2011 at 9:44 am

    I think you are an amazing woman! What a testimony of Faith!!!!

    • thestagesofme

      June 24, 2011 at 1:04 am

      Thanks Tracy ~ welcome to the blog World many will be touched by your words I am sure 🙂


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